The other night I had a nightmare that I was forced to interview the top remaining politicians in the race for the presidency on national television. Naturally, I asked them hunting related questions. Keeping the discussion focused is tricky with this bunch, but I was able to glean enough solid responses from our conversation on food plots that I am willing to share with you today. Let’s dive right in.
Me: Mr. Trump, planting food plots is a common hunting practice today. How do you feel about them?
Trump: Food plots? I’ve been asked this question before. In fact, I get this question asked all the time. All the time I am asked this question. They say, “Mr. Trump, how do you feel about food plots?” And you know what I tell them? I tell them that food plots have been terrible for the last eight years. So bad, in fact, that you wouldn’t know a good food plot if you were standing in the middle of one. You know, it’s amazing to me. You know what’s amazing to me? It’s amazing that we have all sorts of crops we can plant for food plots today, yet we can’t get it right. Did you know that? Simply amazing. But here is what I’ll tell you that the others won’t tell you. I’m a winner. I win all the time and I’ll keep right on winning with food plots. No, actually we will win together. We will win all the way to deer season. You know why we will win? Because food plots love me. And I am a winner. That’s why we will win.
Me: “Mrs. Clinton, how would you respond to that?”
Clinton: (Laughs) You know, Tim, I can relate to the average person planting food plots. When Bill and I left the white house we were dead broke, so I understand the struggle that the average person faces when trying to plant a food plot. It’s not easy. (Laughs again).
Me: Senator Sanders, is the food plot struggle real as Mrs. Clinton suggests?
Sanders: Greed. Corporate greed is killing America. We need to get Wall Street out of the food plot business. The common man can’t even plant a food plot because it’s too expensive. We need to raise taxes on the top 1% so food plots become more affordable for the poor.”
Me: Senator Cruz?
Cruz: By noon on my first day in office I will repeal all restrictive food plot laws. Food plots are a constitutional right.
Me: Senator Cruz, last year a friend of mine had a problem with trespassing hunters taking advantage of his hard work. How would you put a stop that?
Cruz: Carpet bomb them.
Me: Wow, OK. That’s certainly a strong response. Senator Sanders, your thoughts?
Sanders: The food plot belongs to the undocumented hunters just as much as it belongs to your friend.
Me: Mrs. Clinton?
Clinton: (Laughs) I don’t believe your friend actually had a problem. As far as I know, hunters haven’t had any trouble with trespassing hunters or poachers in the last couple of years. (Laughs again.)
Me: Mr. Trump?
Trump: I Love this question. I get asked this question so often I’m beginning to think this question loves me. It’s my favorite question. You know, we have a real problem with illegal hunters, especially illegal hunters that steal from people like your friend. You know? You know what we’ll do? I’ll tell you what we’ll do. We will win because I am a winner. We will win by building a wall around every food plot, and if the illegal hunters complain we’ll build the wall ten feet higher. Let’s make food plots great again!
Me: Senator Sanders, should every hunter have access to a food plot?
Sanders: All hunters should have the option to hunt over their own food plots, but it would be unreasonable to place undue stress on them by forcing them do the work and pay for it as well. My plan, “A Food Plot for Every Hunter,” outlines a new government program that will ensure equal access for all. The largest of landowners will be required to share a suitable portion of their land for the plot and the materials will be provided at no cost. Actually, the program will pay hunters to do the work. It will be so great that there will be no reason for antler restrictions because only big deer will exist. At the end of the year, every hunter that participated in the season will have their trophy.”
Me: That plan sounds enticing! Almost too good to be true. Mrs. Clinton, You certainly learned a few tricks while serving as Secretary of State. Do you have any tips you’d like to share with my readers?
Clinton: (Laughs.) Thanks, Tim. You know, you’re right. I’m willing to admit that it’s been a little bit of trial and error, and I take full responsibility. (Laughs.) I directed my people to work on a food plot that turned out to be a swamp, but I’m happy to admit that we didn’t lose a single asset while we were there working. After that, we pulled out of the area and found a new spot. I’d be happy to share my notes, but I deleted them. So what difference, at this point, does it make if I know how to build a good food plot or not? (Laughs.)
Me: Sorry, Mrs. Clinton. I didn’t mean to upset you; I just thought you might want to help out some hungry hunters. Let’s move on to Senator Cruz, shall we? Senator, planting food plots in the north is difficult, is it not?
Cruz: Well that’s exactly right, Tim. Back in Canada, we used to pick which crops to plant very carefully because of the extreme weather. It is crucial that there is an outsider in Washington like me that has a clear plan for food plots and how they should be planted. What we need here in America is a grass roots movement, pun intended, to get the hard working citizens of this country back to work planting food plots with their own hard earned money and fighting back against the Establishment that Will. Not. Listen. To. Them!
Me: Thank you, Senator. The passion in your speech is undeniable. In closing, let’s hear one last word from Mr. Trump on why food plots are important for all hunters.
Trump: Thank you so much. This has been a great turn out. What an event. I mean really, what an event. I mean to tell you, we are so thankful for the invite to this event. You know, I just…. (protestors interrupt) ALRIGHT, IT’S TIME TO GET THEM OUT OF HERE. TAKE THE PROTESTORS OUT!… Boy, some people just like to be on TV or something. You know, I like to win. I think you know that. No, I know you know that. Everyone knows that I am good at winning. Winning is my favorite thing to do. When I’m president we will win so often that losing won’t even be considered an option. We’ll win with food plots and we will win with big deer. Everyone will be winners, except for the losers like Mitt Romney and everyone else that loses to me. Thank you!
Wow. I mean, you know? These candidates know their food plots. Who would have thought? I don’t think I’ll post another political article for quite a while. Hopefully you found it to be humorous, that’s all it was intended to be. But thinking about writing another one makes me want to go plant a food plot in frozen ground using my head as a rototiller.
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